TL;DR
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A Gottman Institute report uses research and relationship examples to examine why sex can fade in long-term partnerships and how emotional distance may contribute. The material does not report a new study or establish that one approach works for every couple; it points to friendship, connection and communication as relevant themes.
The Gottman Institute’s report The Sex Stopped. Neither of Them Said Anything. examines how silence and emotional distance can accompany a decline in sexual intimacy, drawing on relationship experiences and couples’ experiences. It does not announce a new study; its central point is that friendship and emotional connection may help sustain sexual satisfaction in long-term relationships.
The report opens with a fictionalized scene of Hannah and Luis, a couple in Denver who have settled into a pattern of going to bed separately without discussing their lack of sex. The scene illustrates a relationship problem rather than a documented case study, and the report does not give the couple’s history or identify them as research participants.
The Institute says it has not studied “dead bedroom” as a formal research category. The report instead draws on the Gottmans’ work on relationships over four decades, including research on friendship, emotional connection and long-term sexual satisfaction. It also cites therapist Kristin Davin’s informal definition of a dead bedroom as sexual intimacy that becomes infrequent or stops, and her advice to communicate needs and seek help when a couple cannot resolve the issue alone.
One example from the Gottmans’ Love Lab involves Andy and Marcia, a couple in their sixties who laughed together while recalling their shared history. The report uses their detailed, affectionate memories to illustrate “Love Maps”: each partner’s knowledge of the other’s inner world. It contrasts this with guarded, impersonal accounts of a relationship, which John Gottman says can signal that partners have lost touch.
How Friendship Connects to Intimacy
The report’s argument is that a decline in sex may be tied to more than sexual technique or attraction. It emphasizes the quality of a couple’s everyday relationship: whether partners know what is happening in each other’s lives, share affection and make time to connect. That framing may help readers think about a difficult subject without treating sex as a standalone performance problem.
The Institute report says friendship accounts for 70 percent of whether partners feel satisfied with sex, romance and passion, attributing that figure to Gottman’s writing. It also cites Bernie Zilbergeld’s study of 100 couples aged over 45, half satisfied with their sex lives and half not. According to the report, technique did not distinguish the groups; closer friendship and making sex a priority did. These figures describe the cited research and should not be read as a guarantee about any individual relationship.
The subject also matters because silence can leave both partners guessing about desire, rejection or what has changed. The report suggests that talking about intimacy and rebuilding emotional closeness can be more useful than relying only on planned romantic gestures. It does not claim that communication alone will restore sex, or that all couples want the same kind of sexual relationship.
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Research Behind the Report’s Argument
The report places its discussion in the Gottmans’ broader research on relationships, rather than presenting a newly conducted study of couples who describe their bedrooms as “dead.” It refers to the Love Lab, where researchers listen to partners discuss their relationship and look for signs of friendship and knowledge of one another. The Andy and Marcia interview is offered as an illustration of that approach.
It also discusses the transition to parenthood as a period when time and emotional connection can become harder to maintain. In a study following newlyweds into their third year, the report says 33 percent of new parents were satisfied with their sex lives. It describes the satisfied parents as couples who found time alone and discussed matters beyond childcare. The report further says two randomized clinical trials confirmed that parents who make time for emotional connection have more sex, but the supplied material does not provide trial dates, sample sizes or detailed methods.
On the nature of intimacy, Gottman distinguishes between “impersonal sex,” based on a particular attraction without requiring an emotional bond, and “personal sex,” grounded in the relationship between partners. The report says many married couples want both a strong erotic life and emotional closeness. It describes kissing and touching outside the bedroom as part of the connection seen among some satisfied new parents.
“A dead bedroom occurs when sexual intimacy between partners becomes infrequent or stops altogether.”
— Kristin Davin, writing for Choosing Therapy, as quoted in the report
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Limits of the Evidence Presented
The supplied report does not identify a newly published study, provide a publication date, or present new data about how often couples stop having sex. Hannah and Luis are introduced as a narrative example, not as a verified couple whose circumstances were investigated. Readers should not interpret their scene as evidence of how all couples experience sexual distance.
Some figures are reported without enough detail here to assess the underlying studies, including the research methods behind the 70 percent friendship estimate and the two clinical trials involving parents. The report also does not define a single threshold for when sex becomes “infrequent,” nor does it establish that emotional disconnection is always the cause of a decline. Health, stress, medication, life changes and differing levels of desire may also be relevant, but the supplied material does not assess these possibilities.
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Conversation, Not a Guaranteed Fix
The report’s practical direction is for partners to speak plainly about what they feel and want, while trying to listen without treating the conversation as an accusation or a demand. It recommends seeking help when a couple cannot talk through the issue on its own. The material does not name a specific next research milestone or announce further reporting.
For readers, the unresolved question is what is driving the change in a particular relationship and what each partner wants now. The report frames rebuilding friendship and emotional connection as possible starting points, not a promise that sex will resume. Any next step depends on the couple’s circumstances and mutual willingness to discuss intimacy.
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Key Questions
Is “dead bedroom” a formal diagnosis in this report?
No. The report describes it as an informal term for sexual intimacy that has become infrequent or stopped. The Gottman Institute says it has not studied the phrase as a formal research category.
Does the report announce new research?
No new study is announced. The article draws on existing Gottman research, a study by Bernie Zilbergeld and research on couples adjusting to parenthood.
What does the report say may help sustain sexual intimacy?
It emphasizes friendship, emotional connection, communication and making time together. It does not say these steps guarantee a return to sex or work the same way for every couple.
Are Hannah and Luis a real couple in a documented study?
The supplied material presents them in an opening illustrative scene, not as identified research participants. It provides no evidence that their story is a verified case study.
What should couples do if they cannot discuss the issue?
The report cites therapist Kristin Davin’s advice to seek help when partners cannot work through the issue together. It does not prescribe a particular provider or form of support.
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